I haven’t added to this blog for a while. Not that too many people notice, mind you, but for those out there that may give some kind of hoot, no matter how marginal, there’s a reason why I haven’t added any kind of content to this site.
It’s called depression.
It’s crippling. Mentally, unrelentingly crippling. I’m a creative person, and I get guilty if a day goes by where I haven’t done anything creative, even if that creativity is limited to editing works in progress or something equally simple.
Recently, days have passed where I’ve done nothing that involves imaginative thinking. Instead, I play video games, particularly those that don’t actively tax your intelligence.
My writing and editing suffers. Everything has suffered. Being depressed nullifies every creatively proactive impulse I get. You sit there and stare at the monitor, knowing there’s so much to do. But it gets lost in indecision and what I describe as "couldn’t be assed-itis". It’s not laziness. On the contrary - I want to get motivated, I want to do, I want to go, I want to move, but when I try, it’s all too hard, too confusing.
Nothing intelligent gets done. The days go by in a grey blur.
When I was a kid, it was a simple matter to get over one’s self and move on. I can’t do that any more. My ability to push depression aside has weakened over time.
I’ve tried all the usual suspect anti-depressants. I’m currently on escitalopram, which seems to be the least harmful of the bunch. I’ve tried some that left me on edge and cranky. Yet, as I write this, it’s clear the drug isn’t working, at least not at the moment.
None of the above isn’t to say that the depression is with me 24/7, all day, every day. It isn’t. It comes and goes, and when it goes, I get things done. Stories get written, creativity runs free.
This piece of prose is about the now. How I feel as I write this.
Life and reality get put on hold while my mind darkens with black hounds. Even though I’ve never seen combat, I sit and stare the thousand yards, even if a wall is only a few metres away. I wait out the depression, knowing that brighter times are ahead.
If only I didn’t have to exist through these blacker moments.
©1996-present Peter (Booth) Greenwell - texts and images CC BY-SA 4.0
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