Memo from a narcissist

It seems I’m a narcissist. Edit: Make that malignant narcissist.

Wikipedia has an article on malignant narcissism.

From what I am being told, my actions and words are the deeds of a narcissist…allegedly. I upped and left my wife of 22 years for self-serving malignant narcissistic reasons. I’ll agree with the self-serving part. I did it for myself. Of course I did. For a myriad of reasons that I will never make public, I could not stay with her any longer.

But in reference to narcissism, Let’s review this, and more. A narcissist according to Wiktionary is: 1. One who shows extreme love and admiration for themselves. 2. An egoist; a person full of egoism and pride.

Right. Even using these open source definitions I can assure anyone who reads this that neither applies to me. Well, to make things official, I’ve had a clinical psychologist tell me I’m pretty much the furthest thing from a narcissist.

And for the unofficial part. I struggle to have admiration and love for myself. I mean, really struggle. I can be arrogant – I can be very condescending to people – but to suggest that I was in love with myself more than I was with other people, particularly my family, is simply absurd. If there are character traits the furthest removed from myself, self-admiration and self-love would be in the top 5. Again – really – if I possessed these things, I wouldn’t be sitting here typing this. I’d be very  far removed from the reality I live in. No, I’d probably be in a Gold Coast penthouse doing a line of blow with a trophy wife under my thumb, and the keys to the Ferrari on the smoked glass table before me.

Of all the things I was guilty of during the doomed last days of my marriage, narcissism wasn’t among them, and never was. I did and said bad things throughout the 22 years of wedlock – I will never deny that I did. Also, it’s what I didn’t do that went some way to nail the coffin lid shut on my marriage’s corpse.

But narcissism (malignant or otherwise) and egoism are accusations and/or implications about me that is so not me it is beyond funny. And me an egoist? Good God, one must first have an ego. I’m working on it, trust me. Little by little, measure by measure, I am emerging from under a dark cloud, dragging myself into sunlight from a dark place, getting my life in order, earning money, losing weight, getting fit, being me…one day when I’m at the place I want to be mentally and physically I probably will be narcissistic and egoist – but I tell you what, I would’ve earned the right to be. I would’ve worked hard for it. For the last – gee I don’t know – 30 odd years I guess, I’ve had little to be egoist about, and that’s mostly my fault.

I think I’m pretty good at a few things. I’m loyal to people who I care about. Sometimes I’m loyal to people who couldn’t be assed that someone is standing by them, although as I get older that characteristic is being shelved. I no longer chase friends or family who expect me to be the first to make contact. Keep in touch? Sure…if you will.

What else am I good at? I can write. There’s creative work by me on this website for any who are interested. Other things I’m good at? Don’t know. Can’t think of anything significant. If I was the narcissist I purportedly am I should have a long list.

I was a lot of things during those 22 years but being in love with myself? That’s just fantasy.